September 8, 2012

How to lose a girl in 10 days

All the cool kids have seen the Oscar award-worthy performance by Kate Hudson in the blockbuster thriller “How to lose a guy in 10 days.”  Some of us more than others... fortunately there’s no rule on how many times you can watch Matthew McConaughey in one day.  This movie spotlights a beautiful Andie Anderson (in the most gorgeous yellow dress I’ve ever seen) as she exploits all the embarrassing shenanigans that girls employ to cause a guy to sprint in the opposite direction.  You learned not to nickname his valuables “Crow the Warrior King”... and not to buy his/her matching Burberry shirts... and not to move your tampons into his medicine cabinet too soon.  We all learned how Andie the girl can lose a guy in ten days... but what about Andy the boy?  What mishaps can Andy do to lose a girl in ten days?  You’re about to learn now.

Day one:  You’re at a local bar.  It’s loud, you’ve had a drink (or five), and you’ve met at least fifteen people in the last hour.  You have a better chance of remembering a Calculus equation from 1999 than remembering someone’s name at this point.  But then the smokin’ hot girl from across the bar that you’ve been watching all night has finally started mingling with your posse.  Lesson:  pay attention and remember her name.  What if you didn’t hear her name the first time?  Then ask her to repeat it... ten times if you need.  As Whitney Houston said years before she declared crack is whack:  “My name is not Susan, so watch what you say.”

Day two:  After meeting this girl, and finally realizing her name is not Susan, you decide to phone her the next day.  In an attempt to compliment her during the already awkward phone call, you ask her, “Why is a girl like you still single?  What’s your story?  You’re divorced aren’t you... what happened to your husband?”  Don’t be shocked when she replies to your insensitive question with a curt, “He died.”  You asked a stupid blunt question, you’re going to get an honest blunt answer.  At this point you’ve already dug yourself a hole, so if you want there to be a day three, please don’t follow up with, “Well, look on the bright side... if that didn’t happen, you would have never met me last night.”  (true story)

Day three:  During a texting conversation, you mention that you had lunch today with an old friend... your ex-girlfriend of five years to be exact.  Lesson:  don’t tell this to a girl you just met.  There are always circumstances where an ex-relationship can turn platonic, but this isn’t a conversation you want/need to have on day three.

Day four:  She agrees to meet you out at a Tapas bar for your first date.  Everything’s going better than expected and you give yourself a high five.  Slow down there, speedy... things aren’t going as well as you think.  When the waitress brings you the bill, NEVER, EVER, EVER, EVER say, “So, do you want to split it?”  (Especially when you asked her out!)  I know we live in 2012, and I’m all for women’s rights and equality, blah blah blah.  But this is your first date and you are supposed to be putting your best foot forward to impress the girl.  You don’t want her thinking you’re cheap from the get-go.  Based on cultural stereotypes, men are supposed to be the knight and women the princess.  We don’t need to start reinventing fairy tales here.

Day five:  You call to thank her for a great date.  She mentions spending the upcoming weekend with her sister, and you immediately ask where her sister lives.  Problem with this is that you have already asked where her sister lives three times.  So what does this mean?  It means you aren’t paying attention to a damn thing she says.  Pretending to pay attention doesn’t earn you brownie any points.  How hard is it to listen?

Day six:  She tells you that she has a very busy weekend planned with her sister, and lets you know that she will call you when she gets a chance.  When she doesn’t call you the first night she’s gone, please don’t send a text message that says, “All righty then, I guess I’m not going to talk to you tonight.”  Yeah, probably not tonight, or tomorrow, or the next day.  That’s too controlling, needy, creepy.  Yes, I’ve had that exact text sent to me.  And no, he did not make it to day ten.

Day seven:  You finally get to talk to the girl, and she excitedly tells you about her girls' trip to the SEC basketball tournament that is quickly approaching.  You are not a Kentucky fan, not even a basketball fan... so under no circumstances whatsoever should you be vacationing in the same city that week... let alone, in the same hotel... it’s a little hard to pull that off as a coincidence.  Once again, that is way too controlling, needy, and especially creepy.  Slow down, lay off.

Day eight:  Texting has completely ruined correct grammar.  But that doesn’t mean all of your text messages are allowed to be incomprehensible.  U dng nethg 2nte?  If she has to reply asking you to translate that into English because she can't find the words in Webster's, then maybe that should be the first clue to not use text slang and act like you are educated.  Oh, and BTW, that above text was supposed to ask “Are you doing anything tonight?”  

Day nine:  She comes to visit and you both spend all day on the lake.  After the lake, and before dinner, she attempts to take a shower at your house.  You had a two day warning that she was visiting, yet your bathroom has mold growing in the bathtub, the sink is covered in three years worth of toothpaste deposits, and you have NO CLEAN towels available.  You knew she was coming two days ago, and were so thoughtless that it didn’t even occur to you to have clean towels.  She has to grab one of the dirty towels off your floor and barely pats herself dry... and forget about wrapping a dirty towel around her clean hair.  She stays the night and at bedtime it was guestimated that the bedsheets had not been washed since George W Bush was in office.  She can’t get out of your house fast enough.  

Day ten:  She’s finally packing everything up to head home, making sure she doesn’t forget anything because she does not want to step foot in this house ever again.  So as she walks into your bedroom, there you are standing... wearing her camisole and underwear.  That’s it... day ten.  Buh-bye.

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