Sometimes I feel like a broken record. Other times I feel like I am on a merry-go-round going full speed. I have so many conversations that make my head hurt that I’ve stopped counting. But they make for great entertainment. Seriously, I don’t even have to watch Chelsea Handler anymore to get my laughs... I just replay the conversations that I had that day, and that’s 100 times funnier than Sarah Colonna and Fortune Feimster could ever be.
Man dropping off prescription to be filled:
Me: Have you had prescriptions filled with (drug store name) before?
Me: Ok, what is your birthday?
Man: January first
Me: (waiting for him to give me the year... but he just stares at me) And the year?
Me: I’m pulling up a match with an Apple Lane address?
Me: Have you ever lived on Apple Lane?
Me: What is your current address?
Man: 2000 Green Court in Summersville
Me: Okay, do you have any allergies?
Man: Why are you asking me all of these questions?
Me: I need to get you registered in our computer system
Man: I should already be in there... I just had a prescription filled here last week
Me: You just told me you’ve never had prescriptions filled here before. I’m not finding you with a Green Court address
Man: I know. I just moved... I used to live on Apple Lane
Me: (am I speaking Greek?) You just told me you have never lived on Apple Lane
Man: Oh... I haven’t been listening to you
Man picking up prescription that was called in by a prescriber:
Me: What is the name you are picking up for?
Me: Buster? Is that the last name?
Man: That’s the only name
Me: (confused) What’s the last name?
Me: So, the name is Buster Buster?
Man: No, the first name is Buster
Me: Ok, so what’s the last name?
Man: There is no last name
Me: There’s no last name?
Man: No, the name is Buster
Me: But I need a last name
Man: Ma’am... this is a dog... dogs don’t have last names
Me: Ok, I understand. What is your last name?
Man: Why do you need that?
Me: I need a last name that we would have filed the prescription under
Man: There is no last name
Me: As the owner, what is your last name?
Man: Smith. But that’s not Buster’s last name. Whoever heard of a dog having a last name?
Me: (pull out prescription for Buster Smith)
Man: Lady, this is not correct. His name is not Buster Smith. His name is Buster. Period. Dogs don’t have last names.
Me: I have to have a last name listed
Me: (is this the Spanish Inquisition?) I just do. Is it okay to use Smith as Buster’s last name, or would you like me to use a different last name?
Man: (heavy sigh) Dogs don’t have last names, but use Smith if you have to
Me: Thank you (thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you)
Recent conversation with my sister while on vacation last week. We were watching the hotel’s live nightly show, and the show opened with an exotic dancer from Venezuela:
Me: She’s absolutely gorgeous
My sister: Yes, yes she is
Me: I don’t think I’ve ever seen an ugly girl from Venezuela
My sister: When have you ever seen any other girl from Venezuela?
Me: The Miss Universe pageant
My sister: Right, ‘cause that’s where you will see all the ugly girls from Venezuela
Me: I really wish I could dance like her
My sister: Hell yeah, I do too. It doesn’t matter what your face looks like, if you can move your body like that, then you’re not going home alone.