May 16, 2012

I am the decider

One of my favorite Bushisms (I like to think of George W Bush as a modern day Aristotle) that I need to incorporate in my life is:  “I am the decider, and I decide what is best.”  I am The Decider.  I decide what is best.  So as The Decider, I get to pick my future husband.  I have a 10-point list of specific criteria.  Put on your seat belt.
  1. Resembles Chace Crawford (or the real Chace Crawford will do)
  2. Cooks, cleans, and does laundry (or will hire someone to do it for me)
  3. Educated at an ivy-league college (or military academy)
  4. Bilingual (preferably Spanish or Italian)
  5. Iron Man triathlete (or Olympic/professional athlete)
  6. Can recite Allen Iverson’s famous press conference (because it’s my favorite quote)
  7. Has a vacation home (ideally something similar to George Clooney’s Italian villa)
  8. Certified sky-diver (so we can go tandem)
  9. Can distinguish a zone defense from man-to-man defense (so we can have educated conversations)
  10. Is aware of current foreign affairs in the Middle-East (again, so we can have educated conversations)
Now that we have all laughed (well, number 9 is not laughable, I’m totally serious about that one), I’ll come back to reality.  I’d be excitedly thrilled to find a strapping lad who can check off 4 out of 10 on this list.  5 out of 10?... then you can go ahead and put a ring on it.  I’m completely aware that I’m more likely to win the powerball or get struck by lightning than find a Zeus-like creature who fulfills all ten of these wishful wants.  But I do have a realistic list... ten must-haves in a mate that are non-negiotable.  You don't need a seat belt, but hold on to the "oh shit" handle.
Watches SportsCenter, then Keeping Up With the Kardashians, then Monday Night Football, then Chelsea Lately 
Watching reruns of SportsCenter all day long is not necessary, but I dated a guy once that didn’t even know the channel for ESPN.  If watching football, he should teach me what a play-action pass is... not me having to explain that the offense has four tries to move the ball ten yards.  Then, even if he thinks the Kardashians are a train wreck (they are), he can at least fake genuine interest because I know after seeing Kim he’s singing in his head “if a girl walks in with an itty bitty waist and a round thing in your face...”  And if he doesn’t think Chelsea Handler is funny, then I have no hope.
Has some inkling of athletic ability 
Just because the Scripps Howard National Spelling Bee is broadcasted on ESPN, that does not make the spellers athletes.  The same goes for bowling, hunting, and race car driving.  I just want him to have some coordination and to carry in the groceries without getting winded and breaking a sweat.  I can teach our child how to throw and catch a baseball, but someone else has got to teach the kid how to dribble.  Oh, and being able to bust a move on beat with rhythm is acceptable.
Accepts that I become a psychotic, obsessed, crazy woman every year from October until the first weekend in April.
He has to obey the cardinal rule that nothing ever gets planned during a Kentucky basketball game.  Ever.  And he can’t take it personally when I unintentionally ignore him as I spend unreasonable hours on the KSR website... and don’t expect me to move from the couch during the month of March.  But if he can name the last ten NCAA basketball champs, then he’s a keeper.
Never utters a word of disapproval when I buy a pair of Jimmy Choos 
I may on occasion bring home a pair of shoes that cost more than I earn in a couple days, but that doesn’t mean I want to perform CPR when he sees the receipt.  My theory is that as long as there is food on the table (and by food, I mean peanut butter and honey sandwiches), then there should be no complaining.  Just as I won’t complain if he buys a set of Titleist AP1 irons, or whatever else expensive things boys buy.
Doesn’t have bad grammar 
If I ever hear the likes of “I seen that,” then I’m politely walking away.  It’s like nails on a chalkboard.  I got nothing else to say about this.
Likes my family... and I mean ALL of them
*He has to like my family, because we do ridiculous things when we are together (such as write rap lyrics and make math videos).  I don’t want looks of disapproval when he sees this:
*One night my sister and I were playing history trivia while my dad made up the questions (I promise we are not always this geeky).  The conversation went something like this:
Dad:    What was the term used for those who first settled on Plymouth Rock? 
Me:      COLONIALISTS!!!!! (I was really excited I got one right)
Dad: You mean “colonists”?
Me:      Oh... tomato, tamato
Sis:      I know!  Quackers?
Dad: Did you mean “quakers”?  Jeez, you’re both wrong. They were called _______________.
**I think the correct answer was pilgrims, but don’t quote me on that.  I wasn’t paying any attention to the answer because I was too busy wiping my tears from laughter.  This explains why neither of us passed the AP US History exam.

Appreciates my desire to adopt a little boy from Africa 
Preferably one, but maybe two, or three, or four, or even five to be able to field my own basketball team.  I don’t necessarily want to become the next Angelina Jolie (however Sandra Bullock would be fine), but I do embrace the idea of having a blended family.  Of course I’ll have a shirt made for my son that says “Don’t tell mom but I don’t look anything like her.”  And I’ll have a shirt for myself made that says “I love my son because he didn’t cause me to gain weight or have labor pains.”
Is not a picky eater 
Nothing frustrates me more than eating with someone who has twenty special requests for their food... or going to a Thai restaurant and the person orders a hamburger.  I can understand not wanting to eat cow tongue or rooster balls, but we are in our 30’s and he needs to learn to like asparagus.
Thinks I’m the funniest person he knows
See, that was funny, wasn’t it?
I don’t need every door opened or every chair pulled.  But having manners and occasionally acting like a gentleman would be nice.  For instance, holding the door open long enough so that it doesn’t slam in my face as he walks ahead of me.  Or stopping the car at a complete stop before I try to get out.  Simple requests.
Now, the following are just for bonus points and may be negotiable:
  1. Never makes me drive (for his sanity and for mine)
  2. Doesn’t snore (I may need to move this one to the list above)
  3. Doesn’t make fun of my mouth guard 
  4. Accepts that he will have no room in the master bedroom closet (or any closet for that matter)
  5. Spontaneous (because I’m the planner)
  6. Doesn’t have a small dog 
  7. Or a cat
  8. Knows how to use a Mac 
  9. Handy-dandy (my dad won’t be around forever)
  10. Has a grown-up dwelling (does not still have posters hanging on the walls)
  11. Hasn’t changed his name to something ridiculous like Metta World Peace
I think this is a reasonable and attainable list.  Picky eaters need not apply.

1 comment:

  1. The things I have learned about you in the past 15 minutes is amazing! Glad to have crossed paths with you!

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