May 21, 2012

Conversation imitation with no limitations

Have you ever had a conversation that is so classic that you wish you had it recorded so that you could play it over and over again on a bad day?  You need my job.  Every day you are guaranteed a conversation sensation.  Some of the dialogue with my patients can be frustrating... sometimes it leaves you with the thought that this person should not be allowed to procreate... actually you wonder how this person even figured out how to procreate.  But most of the exchanges are epically rib-tickling.  And someone like me should not be allowed to keep all of these heart to hearts to myself... so after working the long weekend, I have compiled my favorites from the past week and I now present them to you.
The Prenatal Fable:  college-aged girl vs me
Girl:  Can you please show me where the prenatal multi-vitamins are located?
Me:  Of course (I walk her to the vitamins)
Girl:  Well, I saw these, but they are not prenatal MULTI-vitamins.  They only say prenatal vitamin, and my doctor said specifically that I had to get the ones that say prenatal MULTI-vitamin.
Me:  Prenatal vitamins and prenatal multi-vitamins are the same.  It’s just different wording on the label.  Both contain several vitamins, and therefore both are multi-vitamins.  (I hand her a bottle.)  These are what you need.
Girl:  Oh, okay.  Well, I’m going to check Wal-Mart because I need the ones that are multi-vitamins... I don’t think these are right.
Me:  (You win.  I don’t even have the energy to argue with you.)  Okay, I hope you find what you’re looking for.
I Dread the Sudafed:  frequent-flyer crazy patient vs me
Patient:  Hey Tracy, can you get something for me?
Me:  (Ugh, you never get my name right.)  Sure, whatcha need?
Patient:  I need the 15 count.
Me:  15 count of what?
Patient:  Oh, shoot, I forget what them is called.  (thinks for several seconds)  OH! The 15-count Sudafed.
Me:  Sudafed does not come in a 15 count box.
Patient:  My doctor said it did.  He said the 15-count is the only one he wants me to get.
Me:  (Who offered you money in the parking lot to come in and buy Sudafed?)  I’m sorry, but we only have the Sudafed that comes with 24 tablets in a box.
Patient:  How much are them?
Me:  (Scans the box)  $3.99
Patient:  That’s not the ones I need.  My doctor said it was the $10.69 box.
Me:  (WHAT?!?  You’re doctor knows the exact price of our Sudafed??)  Why don’t you call your doctor again on Monday and find out the exact name of the product he wanted you to get.  I don’t want to sell you something that he doesn’t want you to have.  Let me know on Monday what he says.
Patient:  Hmph.
The Infection Selection:  girl in her late-teens vs me
Girl:  I have a problem.  I have to go pee every ten minutes and nothing comes out.  And it burns so bad.  Do you think it’s a yeast infection?
Me:  No, it sounds more like a urinary tract infection.
Girl:  What can I get for that?
Me:  You really need an antibiotic to get rid of the infection.  But we carry Azo that is in aisle 8 on the bottom shelf in a blue box... next row over.  It’ll help with the burning pain, but it won’t get rid of the infection.
Girl:  Okay, thanks.  I’ll try that.
Girl:  (returns with Monistat in her hand)  Is this what I need?
Me:  (What is wrong with you people? I said it was a UTI and to get Azo which is in aisle 8, the next aisle over.  How did you end up with Monistat, which is in aisle 3 on the other side of the store?)  No, like I said, I don’t think it’s a yeast infection.  Based on your symptoms, I think it’s a UTI.
Girl:  Oh, well can my dad come up here and sign me out an antibiotic?
Me(HUH??!?  How do you sign out an antibiotic?)  No, you’ll have to get a prescription for an antibiotic.
Girl:  Well, how do I get one of those?
Me: (Did you grow up in a cave?)  You’ll have to see a doctor, he’s the only one who can write a prescription.
Girl:  This is bull-shit. (grabs the Monistat and walks away telling her boyfriend to go pay for the Monistat at the front register)
Me:  (I hope for her sake that putting that Monistat up hole #2 will cure the infection in hole #1)
A Stand for the Banned:  deranged lady vs me on the phone
Lady:  Do you have extended-release Aleve?  I only have the Aleve you take every four to six hours and it’s not working for me.
Me:  Ummm, Aleve is every 12 hours.  They don’t make an Aleve that is every four to six hours.  Do you mean Advil?
Lady:  No, I mean Aleve.  Maybe that’s why I had a stroke.  
Me:  You think Aleve caused your stroke?
Lady:  I don’t know.  I had a stroke two days ago... and it was a major stroke... not one of those little TIAs... I think there was a brain bleed.  I got real dizzy and almost passed out.
Me:  Well, what did the doctors tell you?
Lady:  Oh, I didn’t go to the hospital.  
Me:  Ma’am, if you think you had a stroke, you really need to go to the hospital.
Lady:  I can’t.  I’m banned from the hospital.
Me: (This keeps getting better and better.)  Huh?  How are you banned from the hospital?
Lady:  You see... 
Me:  (Oh Lord, I shouldn’t have asked)
Lady:  I used to live in Dallas and I worked at Lowe’s and one day it was really sunny outside... it was a Tuesday in March, and I was driving home from getting groceries... they had a sale on strawberries and this place has the best strawberries... I was by myself... I usually take my daughter grocery shopping with me but this time she couldn’t go... and there was construction so I decided to drive home the long way.  
Me:  (Please get to the point)
Lady:  I was going to try to plant flowers that day because it was really nice outside and maybe even take a walk... I can never get my husband to take walks with me.  Well, this lady rear-ended me in the car.  And when we went to court, this lady’s lawyer forged my name on all these documents saying that I admitted to being on drugs when she hit me, and that I forged prescriptions to get Oxycontin.  So, the judge ruled that I am now banned from all doctors and all hospitals.
Me:  Maybe the judge just meant you can’t see any doctors for pain medications.  I’m pretty sure the hospital would have treated you for a stroke.
Lady:  Oh, no.  All the hospitals across the country have my name on a list where they can’t treat me.  I’m fighting it in court now, but I have to suffer with my pain until then.
Me:  (What in the world is this lady talking about?)  So, did you have a question?
Lady:  I forgot why I called.
Me:  (Me too.  I’m still trying to wrap my head around the fact that you took Aleve every four hours, self-diagnosed yourself with a “major stroke,” and are banned from all hospitals).  Well, if you remember what you needed, then give me a call back.
Lady:  Okay.  See, that stroke is messing with my memory, too.  Thanks.  Bye.
Me to my tech:  Do not ask me any questions for three minutes.  My brain is hurting.
Stranger Danger:  a 4 year-old boy vs me
Me:  (ringing up a little boy for his antibiotic)  You must be Joey.  Are you sick today?
Kid:  No, I feel fine.  
Me:  Then why did you go to the doctor?
Kid:  My mom made me.  She said I had a fever.
Me:  Did you want to add any flavor to the medication to make it taste better?
Mom:  (Nods her head for a yes)
Me:  What kind of flavor do you want?
Kid:  Lady, you tell me what you have.
Me:  Oh, I have EVERY flavor!  Just name it, we have it.
Kid:  Hmmm, okay, I want blueberry.
Me:  Well, except that one.  
Kid:  You said you had everything.  How ‘bout cotton candy?
Me:  (He has to be pulling these flavors out of his butt.)  Well, we don’t have that one either.  How about I give you the list.
Kid:  (his mom reads him the list)  I want bubblegum.  It better be good.
Me:  Okay, you’re ready.  Can you verify your address for me?
Kid:  No.
Mom:  You know your address.
Kid:  Yes, but I’m not giving it to her.  She’s a stranger.
Mom:  (verifies address for me)
Me:  Would you like a sucker?
Kid:  No, I don’t take candy from strangers.
Me:  Well, Joey I hope you feel better
Kid:  I told you I wasn’t sick. (walks away)
Me:  (I just got owned by a four-year old)

1 comment:

  1. OMG! Donald and I haven't laughed this much in such a long time. Thanks for a good laugh.