March 28, 2013

I'm blaming it on the full moon

Yep, these are real.  I'm blaming it on the full moon.

Phone rings.
Me:  This is the pharmacist... how may I help you?
Lady:  I need to know if this medication causes eye problems.  I have an eye-phobia.
Me:  Eye-phobia?
Lady:  I hate putting anything in my eye.  There was this one time when I was working with a mortician and I was putting injections in a corpse’s mouth, and some stuff came flying out of the mouth and sprayed everywhere... and I wasn’t wearing googles and the stuff went in my eye.  But I wouldn’t even let them wash my eyes out because I don’t like anything touching my eyes.
Me:  (Wait.  You had dead person saliva that sprayed in your face and YOU DIDN’T WASH OUT YOUR EYES!!?!!?)
**The rest of this conversation is irrelevant.

I don’t understand why some people feel the need to scream when they talk on cell phones.  I don’t mind if someone sitting in the waiting room is having a conversation on their phone.  I do mind when the conversation is so loud that I can’t concentrate on the prescriptions I’m trying to check.  I really don’t want to hear about your two dates for this weekend, or about the drama with your baby-daddy, or the results of your recent pap-smear.  Case in point tonight.
A grown man in the waiting room talking very loud on his cell phone:  You know, when I was 16, my mom let my 15 year old girlfriend move in with us.  My mom let us sleep in the same room and everything, so yeah, of course she got pregnant.  Oh well, shit happens.
Me:  (What?  I use the term “shit happens” if I get a flat tire on the highway or clumsily spill Gatorade on my white work coat.  I'm pretty sure I could find a more appropriate way to say I was a father at 16 than "oh well, shit happens.")

Phone rings.
Me:  This is the pharmacist.  How may I help you?
Guy:  I think I’m having a heart attack.  Should I go to the hospital?
Me:  (A heart attack!!?!  Then why are you calling me??)  Yes, sir.  You need to hang up and call 911 immediately if you think you are having a heart attack.
Guy:  Well, what are the signs of a heart attack?
Me:  What symptoms do you have right now?
Guy:  I don’t know, what are the symptoms I’m looking for?
Me:  Do you have any chest pain or discomfort?
Guy:  No
Me:  Do you have any pain that is radiating to your arms or mouth?
Guy:  No
Me:  Are you sweating or feel nauseated?
Guy:  No
Me:  Are you short of breath?
Guy:  No
Me:  Have you ever had a heart attack before or have any heart condition?
Guy:  No
Me:  Then what makes you think you are having a heart attack?
Guy:  I don’t know.  I just wanted to make sure I’m not.
Me:  Sir, do you have anything going on with your body right now that does not feel normal?
Guy:  Nope.  I feel fine.  So, you are sure I’m not having a heart attack?
Me:  I can’t guarantee this, but I think it’s safe to say that you are okay.
Guy:  So I’m not going to die tonight?
Me:  (Let me look into my crystal ball...)  You should be okay.
Guy:  Are you sure?  I think I may be having a heart attack.
**I kid you not, this conversation repeated itself at least 4 times before I was able to get off the phone.

I don’t get a lunch or break at work.  Some days I’m lucky if I’m able to run to the restroom.  So as crazy as this sounds, I actually enjoy peeing at work.  Being able to sit there for 60 seconds uninterrupted is a small slice of heaven.  Until this happens:
Door of bathroom opens.
Lady:  Is the pharmacist in here?
Me:  (in the stall)  Ummm... yes.
Lady:  Oh good, I thought I saw you come in here.  I need to ask you a question when you are done.
Me:  (Can I please pee in peace?)  
**This gives a whole new meaning to pharmacists being the most accessible health care professional.

No comments:

Post a Comment