I'm blaming it on the full moon

Yep, these are real.  I'm blaming it on the full moon.

Phone rings.

Me:  This is the pharmacist... how may I help you?

Lady:  I need to know if this medication causes eye problems.  I have an eye-phobia.

Me:  Eye-phobia?

Lady:  I hate putting anything in my eye.  There was this one time when I was working with a mortician and I was putting injections in a corpse’s mouth, and some stuff came flying out of the mouth and sprayed everywhere... and I wasn’t wearing googles and the stuff went in my eye.  But I wouldn’t even let them wash my eyes out because I don’t like anything touching my eyes.

Me:  (Wait.  You had dead person saliva that sprayed in your face and YOU DIDN’T WASH OUT YOUR EYES!!?!!?)

**The rest of this conversation is irrelevant.

I don’t understand why some people feel the need to scream when they talk on cell phones.  I don’t mind if someone sitting in the waiting room is having a conversation on their phone.  I do mind when the conversation is so loud that I can’t concentrate on the prescriptions I’m trying to check.  I really don’t want to hear about your two dates for this weekend, or about the drama with your baby-daddy, or the results of your recent pap-smear.  Case in point tonight.

A grown man in the waiting room talking very loud on his cell phone:  You know, when I was 16, my mom let my 15 year old girlfriend move in with us.  My mom let us sleep in the same room and everything, so yeah, of course she got pregnant.  Oh well, shit happens.

Me:  (What?  I use the term “shit happens” if I get a flat tire on the highway or clumsily spill Gatorade on my white work coat.  I'm pretty sure I could find a more appropriate way to say I was a father at 16 than "oh well, shit happens.")

Phone rings.

Me:  This is the pharmacist.  How may I help you?

Guy:  I think I’m having a heart attack.  Should I go to the hospital?

Me:  (A heart attack!!?!  Then why are you calling me??)  Yes, sir.  You need to hang up and call 911 immediately if you think you are having a heart attack.

Guy:  Well, what are the signs of a heart attack?

Me:  What symptoms do you have right now?

Guy:  I don’t know, what are the symptoms I’m looking for?

Me:  Do you have any chest pain or discomfort?

Guy:  No

Me:  Do you have any pain that is radiating to your arms or mouth?

Guy:  No

Me:  Are you sweating or feel nauseated?

Guy:  No

Me:  Are you short of breath?

Guy:  No

Me:  Have you ever had a heart attack before or have any heart condition?

Guy:  No

Me:  Then what makes you think you are having a heart attack?

Guy:  I don’t know.  I just wanted to make sure I’m not.

Me:  Sir, do you have anything going on with your body right now that does not feel normal?

Guy:  Nope.  I feel fine.  So, you are sure I’m not having a heart attack?

Me:  I can’t guarantee this, but I think it’s safe to say that you are okay.

Guy:  So I’m not going to die tonight?

Me:  (Let me look into my crystal ball...)  You should be okay.

Guy:  Are you sure?  I think I may be having a heart attack.

**I kid you not, this conversation repeated itself at least 4 times before I was able to get off the phone.

I don’t get a lunch or break at work.  Some days I’m lucky if I’m able to run to the restroom.  So as crazy as this sounds, I actually enjoy peeing at work.  Being able to sit there for 60 seconds uninterrupted is a small slice of heaven.  Until this happens:

Door of bathroom opens.

Lady:  Is the pharmacist in here?

Me:  (in the stall)  Ummm... yes.

Lady:  Oh good, I thought I saw you come in here.  I need to ask you a question when you are done.

Me:  (Can I please pee in peace?)  

**This gives a whole new meaning to pharmacists being the most accessible health care professional.

I miss MKG: SEC 2013

A quote from a patient in the pharmacy on Thursday afternoon at 140pm:  I need a decongestant.  This thing right here says congestion relief, and I don’t need congestion relief.  I need a decongestant.

Hearing this was more painful than getting both of my eyes poked out and having my hair set on fire.  It was at this point on Thursday afternoon where I started counting down the milliseconds to the commencement of my annual girls’ trip to the SEC basketball tournament... and 4pm Thursday afternoon couldn’t get here soon enough.  Eight girlfriends were about to descend on Nashville, along with 20,000 other Kentucky fans, and there was nothing that could ruin my weekend... even a Kentucky loss (well, maybe a Kentucky loss could put a mild damper on things).

The trip started out with a snaggle, as I was the GPS commando and managed to direct us to the wrong exit and ended up at a “Rescue Mission” downtown.  But after finding our hotel, which was located directly across from the arena, and unloading seven bags for two girls (who were only staying three nights) into our surprise upgraded suite, the night began.  I should have known it was going to be a long first night when we were already ordering grilled cheese sandwiches, fries, tater tots, and macaroni and cheese at the bar... and it was only 9pm.  The night was a typical Nashville night as we went bar to bar and heard the classic country sing-a-longs of “Wagon Wheel,” “Big Green Tractor,” and “Family Tradition” a minimum of twenty times before the night was over.  I met a preacher who pulled a flask out of his front pocket, got beer muscles (a Coach Cal term) and challenged a random guy to a 40-yard sprint down Broadway, and got my picture taken with a married Tim Couch as he asked my friend for her phone number.  We went strong all night... and I was happily shocked when all 8 girls were in the hotel and accounted for by 3am, even though a few of them apparently took cabs back to our hotel which was a whopping 45 feet off Broadway.

Friday was the big day.  Game day.  One win... just one win... and Kentucky would secure their spot in the field of 68.  It took eight girls with two bathrooms only two hours to get showered and dressed... which I am sure has to be some sort of Guinness World Record.  It was a lazy afternoon as we had a leisurely lunch, and a few drinks prior to the game, including a “Go Big Blue” shot -- which was blue, of course.  It was mainly an afternoon for me to get mentally prepared for the game... it was time to focus.

Now retrospectively looking back, I can see why Kentucky lost to Vanderbilt Friday night... and it has nothing to do with how the team played:

**I did not wear my lucky UK Hanky Panky underwear.  Last year after UK beat Indiana in the Sweet Sixteen, I bought a pair of UK Hanky Panky’s from a street vendor in Atlanta as I was leaving the Georgia Dome (yes, it is perfectly normal to buy underwear from a street vendor in Atlanta).  This became my “lucky underwear” for the rest of the tournament and for the big games this year.  However, I was saving them this weekend for the SEC championship game... which I now realize was a mistake.  I needed to be wearing them Friday night... and I wasn’t.

**When the 2010 SEC tournament was in Nashville, I bought a hot dog in the Bridgestone Arena prior to every game.  As I was walking to my seat Friday night, the thought crossed my mind that it was tradition for me to buy a hot dog in this arena... but I was nervous and wasn’t that hungry.  I should’ve just bought the damn hot dog.

**And finally, a friend changed his seat halfway through the first half to come sit next to us, which broke “Watching UK games with Stacey” rule #94:  thou shall not change seats during the Kentucky game once the game has started.

So, like a sobbing Ryan Harrow after the game, I too, will take responsibility for the loss.  

During the second half, my friend summed it up best when saying “I’m going to need a splash of bourbon in my bourbon tonight.”  After the game ended, we immediately made way to a bar, where my friend and I claimed front row seats at the bar directly front of the bourbon selection.  There was no cell phone reception at this bar, which was probably a good thing for me at the time.  I needed time to decompress, get my thoughts together, and pray all the other bubble teams would play worse than we did.  It ended up being a great night, as I surrounded myself with 20,000 other disappointed Kentucky fans who were all drinking for the same cause.  

Now, this is where I would like to make an apology.  As the night neared the end, a large group of us made way to the Paradise Park Cafe to feast on the most amazing tater tots and grilled cheese sandwiches known to man.  There was a poor guy at our table, who for the sake of reputation will remain anonymous, that endured the “Wrath of Stacey” when he stated that he would prefer Kentucky to have 4-year players over the “one-and-dones.”  I’m not even sure I remember everything I said, but I’m pretty sure the University of Kentucky Office of Public Relations would have hired me on the spot if they were within an earshot of my rant.  So to this poor guy, I apologize... but don’t ever say something that stupid around me ever again.

However, that’s not the only memorable moment from the Paradise Park Cafe that night.  A completely random Kentucky fan (or at least I assumed he was a Kentucky fan since he was in a blue sports coat and blue bow-tie) sat down at our table.  Being the friendly people we are, we struck up conversation with this kid... only to get the quote of the weekend:  “I was UK student president... until I didn’t win.”  Really, dude??  Well, I was Miss America until I didn’t win.  That night all eight of us were accounted for by sunup, meaning it was another successful night.

Saturday came and went... and it was pretty depressing that we didn’t have a game and then had to watch Louisville come back to win the Big East Tournament.  But we made the most of it and early Sunday afternoon, we all said our goodbyes and vowed that next year we would reconvene in Cat-lanta for yet another amazing girls’ weekend... win, lose, or NIT.